Welcome to Shit I'm Not Supposed to Say! Follow these simple instructions and everything will be okay.
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Update: As of May 31, 2024, this post is obsolete. I have reinstated paywalls, and made other major changes. I’m leaving this post up because it’s part of the fossil record. And I think it’s funny. For up-to-date info, go here.
Me: Hi. I’m Helen. An honesty junkie with a potty mouth. I swear not to bore you.
You: What do you get honest about?
Me: Money. Marriage. My cult adventure. My friendship with a man who died a murderer.
You: Why should I give a shit?
Me: Because honesty is contagious. When I say shit I’m not supposed to say—and don’t die—I show you that you can do the same. Maybe you try it. And get high on it. And become a junkie. Like me.
You: So you’re really just looking for people to “party” with.
Me: I guess so. It’s more fun that way.
You: What’s fun about honesty?
Me: It makes life exciting. Gets the blood pumping. It also makes for great stories. And strong connections. When I tell the truth, you get to relate to me as I truly am. Even if who I truly am offends you. One of the leaders of the cult I used to belong to said, if you want to know what someone really thinks, get them angry. That’ll cut right through the nicey-nice to the slime underneath.
You: That sounds disgusting. But intriguing. Could be a fun trick to pull out when I’m bored at family Thanksgiving.
Me: It is a fun trick! I’ve tried it. It’ll get people who already don’t like you to rampantly ignore you. Everybody wins! I mean, that alone is worth the cost of a subscription.
You: Wait—what? The cost of a subscription? Why should I pay you, when I can read everything you write for free?
Me: You shouldn’t. It makes no fucking sense. However, if you do, you’ll probably feel good. For at least five minutes. Because of your selfless generosity, everybody else gets to keep enjoying their free-lunching lollipops. And you’ll be right—if no one pays to subscribe to SINS, it folds. If, say, 10% of readers pay, it thrives. Who wouldn’t want to belong to that righteous 10%?
You: Hey, thanks for the guilt trip. Have you been talking to my mom? At least you’re not tryna bribe me with a tote bag.
Me: Fuck tote bags. And mugs. If I ever get into the swag business, I’m going straight for branded bucket toilets.
You: What the fuck is a bucket toilet?
Me: It’s a bucket with a toilet seat on it. You poop in the buckert. Then you compost your poop into soil you can use to grow things. Which makes a fuck of a lot more sense than shitting in clean water, then “treating” your shit with toxins that turn it into sludge.
You: Okay, okay! That’s also disgusting. Everything you just said. Then again, you did admit to having a potty mouth. So I can’t complain.
Me: No, you can’t. But you will anyway. Which is fine. You give me shit, I make compost.
Shit people like (my most popular articles):
The adultery-graduate school model of married liberation”You did some shit? I’m gonna do some shit too. And I’m gonna write about it.”
Should I get divorced?The “right” decision vs. the decision you make right
I think I'm a crone now, and furthermore...I won’t say I’m sorry for things I’m not sorry for
Some shit about me:
I graduated from Harvard in 1999, with a degree in Visual & Environmental Studies (aka visual art). Before graduating, I received the George Peabody Gardner Traveling Fellowship, worth $13,500.
In 2018, I published Mating in Captivity, my Zendik memoir. It won the 2020 Communal Studies Association Outstanding Book Award, was a finalist for CLMP’s Firecracker Award in Creative Nonfiction, and received a Kirkus Star. It is currently under option with a film production company.
Other work has appeared in Communities, Livelihood, and The New Farmer’s Almanac.
I appear as a character in three books: From the Ground Up: A Food Grower’s Education in Life, Love, and the Movement That’s Changing the Nation (by Jeanne Nolan), Grace without God: The Search for Meaning, Purpose, and Belonging in a Secular Age (by Katherine Ozment), and The Quiet Zone: Unraveling the Mystery of a Town Suspended in Silence (by Stephen Kurzcy).
In 2020, a video VICE made about my Zendik story went viral, racking up 17 million views in a few weeks.
I’ve guested on dozens of podcasts, including Was I in a Cult? and Let’s Talk About Sects.
I’ve been quoted in VICE News and Rolling Stone.
In 2023, I published a compilation of essays and such, called What Is a Sex Cult? How Cults Reveal Our Culture.
I’ve received honoraria for sharing my composted cult experience at Pace University, Hamilton College, and Harvard Divinity School. (Want to pay me fabulously well to speak to your class or group? I love that shit! And I am capable of sanitizing my potty mouth in polite company. Send inquiries to madgelma@hotmail.com.)
Feel like sending me money, just for fun?
You can do that via Venmo (@Helen-Zuman) or PayPal (madgelma@hotmail.com).
